Journal: Year Two and Three

9-18-06 until 7-01-08   

9-18-06 YEAR 2- So today marks the first day of year number du. I cannot believe I made it this far and even more so, I cannot believe I only have a year left. I finally feel as if I have my hands around everything- I get what I am supposed to do, I am mostly integrated, and my projects are coming together. Yesterday, to celebrate, I went with Daric to his garden. We planted over 20 trees, dug numerous holes, chopped up wood for markers, and checked our vibes by the river as the sun slowly made its decent. Today, I will be heading to check on the PCVs. It is a long and sometimes ANNOYING hitch because few cars go in that direction. Sometimes I can be sitting by the road for hours before I catch a ride. Then I will come home and get cleaned up, call a teacher friend, and go have a long conversation about the literacy problem at the school and how we can try to combat it. Hopefully, this conversation will be accompanied by a few beers. Then I will retire early to talk to my mother on the phone, study for the GRE, type up some notes from a STI project meeting, and do some research on a grant possibility. A great day I hope! I have a feeling this is going to be a busy and fruitful year. Oh, and my other goals for this year, outside work are: 1) apply for Amazing Race, 2) lose 15 more lbs, 3) get into running 4 times a week, 4) learn Creole better, 5) get ready for the GRE, 6) read 30 more books.

10-05-06 Health- Well I had written a few more times, but they got lost with some changes to the site. Today is a rest day- I am very sick and am not sure how or when I will get better, but I will be trying to see a doctor tomorrow. The health care system here is very different that from home. We truly are blessed in the United States to have what we have. To start out, the ambulances are not equipped with much more than a bed and that is if you are lucky enough to find an ambulance. There are so few on the island. Then there are so little supplies and equipment sometimes it takes months to have certain tests done or procedures. The medicine supply is far less and often people do not have the insurance to pay for any of it anyways. If there is one thing I will never take for granted again is our health system.

12-31-06 Bad Dream- I have not written for two months for many reasons. The main one is that my computer got destroyed and I just now reloaded the website. The other reason is that my life and experience here has been turned on its head. I do not have any idea how to start. I guess I will start by announcing I plan to apply for an extension. I would return home Sept 2008 instead of this upcoming September. There are many reasons I want to continue on in this wonderful nation. First, there are several projects that will not be quite ready for me to leave in September. Secondly, I feel as if one particular project (introducing Service-Learning) will need an extended amount of assistance so that it will not die out as soon as myself and another key PCV leaves. Finally, I am not ready to go home, or go on with my life.

Next I must regretfully announce the death of my kitten Weve. She was run over by a car. The driver was never found, but the police are still on the look out. We held a service and burial last month. It was beautiful and all of her human and animal friends attended in large numbers. Really though, I do miss her greatly.

Finally I will tell the tale of my life over the last two months. On October 30th, my boyfriend and best friend on the island collapsed with an exploding feel in his head. I called his phone wondering why he was late and a young female voice answered telling me he could not answer the phone. A minute later the nurse called to tell me that he was in an ambulance headed for the hospital. I called everyone I knew on the island with a transport. A great ex-PCV with a fellow PCV came from past town and picked me up. The worst experience of my life had begun, a nightmare I still have not completely awoken from. I will not go into details of the next two months. because they are not always very clear to me. I know after a few days of pressure I went with him on an ambulance plane to Martinique. There he was diagnosed as having a severe brain-stem stroke and locked-in syndrome. The cruelest diagnoses I believe anyone can ever have. It is a life time of paralysis of the entire body except for the vertical movement of the eyes. Even with the loss of total motor function, the rest of the brain, thoughts, emotions, memories, intelligence, sensation, is left completely intact. Basically, the doctor was telling me I still had the same old boyfriend, he just couldn't talk, move, or express himself in any way. I lost a lot of weight, became physically and mentally ill, and couldn't relieve my stomach of that aching feeling you get when you want to cry but cant.

I couldn't cry because I knew there was no time, there was always someone else to console or explain his condition to. I found myself battling even doctors to prove he was still the same guy behind those beautiful brown eyes. Then there was him. I think my pain and anguish after the first few days was not for myself or the situation, but stemmed from the empathy I felt for what he must me going through. I would never wish it upon my worst enemy, certainly not the man I loved and best friend. I often found myself weak in the knees thinking and thinking and thinking. I still cannot stop thinking about him, us, and the situation. It consumes my waking thoughts as well as my dreams. Someone asked me if I am getting any sleep. My answer, I get to sleep fine because it is my only way out of this nightmare, it is when I awake that I struggle.

That first month was hell on earth for me. Often, I wished I would just be able to kiss his lips and die like Romeo and Juliet. So often I found myself praying to God that if he wont get better, just let the two of us die. I returned home to try to get myself prepared for an endless nightmare. At home, away from it all I imagined things not as bad as I had thought. I told myself I really didn't love him all that much and that I could use my usual strength and reasoning to get through this. The second I arrived next to his bedside all those thoughts faded. I am only happy next to him. Its strange because he cannot talk to me or touch me, but still he makes me happy somehow. At first just the feeling of his chest rising and falling and his heart beating was a comfort. Then we established a letter code for him to spell out sentences with his eyes. His first words to me with this system were the same words that were his last to me before he lost his ability to speak: I love you.

One week after my return from home, something amazing occurred- he moved. Not just a finger, but also his head, arm, toes, and legs. Slightly, but they moved. I almost screamed and did start crying. Since then he improves daily. Every new movement he makes I cry. He is eating on his own, breathing on his own, moving almost every muscle, and mumbling out sounds. All of this in under two months. So what is the prognosis now? No one really knows. His condition is SOOO rare that everyone has a different answer for me. The one thing we know for sure is that he should eventually return to his original condition over a long period of time.

I spend every spare, non-working, moment at his bedside spelling with him, talking, laughing, stretching, doing physical therapy, and even kissing (he is getting stronger daily with his lips and tongue!). He has gained back his face muscles so I can see him smile- something that was the hardest for me to loose. He shows me daily he is the same person with his kindness to others, his loud and uncontrollable laughter, and his sweetness to me. A week ago he asked me to marry him. I said yes, but first lets get through this and then you can ask properly on one knee and with a ring. That day may be far off, but it will certainly be one of the many best days of my life yet to come. Well, there is so much more to say, but every moment writing this is a moment I am away from his bed.

I want to close by asking for your help. I am in dire need to find a speech therapist who can either talk to me over the phone about what to do for him or can come and visit and work with him. I will supply the housing, food, and tours. Please let me know!

1-5-07 Delete 2006. Happy New Year everyone! As I look forward into the endless labyrinth that is the future, I wonder what I will run into this year- monsters or miracles. My New Year resolution is simply to never look back at 2006. The lessons that needed to be learned and the fond memories will be carried forward and placed into 2007. All else shall be forgotten and disposed of, preferably shredded and then burned. I am starting fresh. I have re-examined each area of my life and how to improve it in 07.

Work- I have shifted priorities and begun to stand up to those who wish to make my life less productive. Currently, I have many projects on my plate including re-establishing the library, increasing the organization and computer skills of CCF, implementing Service-learning at the Secondary School, working with the Environmental Club at the Secondary School, working on a tourism project with the Village Council, organizing an exchange programme, doing murals at my host mother's school, and working on the Peace Corps Week project. Yes, life is busy!

Family- well this is one area I cannot do much differently. I have always loved my family and let them know. I keep in touch and have no negative relationships with anyone. So, no changes here.

Friends- One lesson learned from 2006 (now 2007) is that friends are the fourth most important group in your life. Fourth sounds low until you realize who is ahead. Number one is God- without her I couldn't exist and therefore couldn't have friends. Second is family- again, without them (esp mom and dad) I wouldn't exist. Third is the all important partner. Though this one is only higher on the list if the partner is the ONE. Otherwise, this should always come after friends. Friends are to your life what soldiers are to an army. The good ones, loyal ones, stay around and protect you from life's perils. I couldn't have made it through 2006 without my friends. In 07, I plan on keeping in better contact and letting each of them know how much I love them and appreciate them.

And the last part of my life- Danny (this is his real name- I finally got around to asking him for permission) . In 2007 we will see our future unfold very slowly. It will be like the flowers that gradually open in the sun rise. The only way to see the changes will be photos taken every few moments and then brought together much later in the photographers studio. Over the next year the changes in his progress and our relationship will take place daily, but they will be so slight that it will not be until we are standing at the threshold of 2008, and looking back, that we will truly see them.

Each day I awake slowly, get ready for work, and work until 2 or 3. Then I go to see Danny until 7:30-8. Finally, tired mentally and emotionally, I take the long walk back home to figure out a way to get in touch with myself. On weekends I spend the entire day next to Danny's bedside. This will be my next year. Emotionally draining, but I will soon learn better who I am, what I am capable of, and how to really find joy in all of the small things in life. My new year's resolution- never look back, love stronger, and finally grow-up.

1-6-07 Patience. Danny will get better- everyone is confident- therapists, doctors, family, even other past Locked-In patients. So why can't I wrap my brain around the idea. Its like my mind and reasoning understands that with just a little bit of patience and hard work Danny will be back to close to normal, but my heart and soul is to scared to listen. I'm very lucky you know- I have found true love. Not everyone gets to experience it and even those that do, do not get to really realize it. Today, some said the refrain that I HATE: "everything happens for a reason". I hate it because I believe God has given us free choice. We are not puppets in a human puppet show. Danny shook his head yes when the woman said this and then gazed hard into my eyes with a large smile on his face. Later, when we were alone, I asked why he did that. He said one reason this happened is us. I guess it takes something life shattering for people like himself and I to really grasp the reality around us. If Danny hadn't fallen ill we would still love each other, but maybe we would have let each other get away. Now we know that our dreams need to include one another, otherwise our dreams are not complete. I want these dreams to start, I want to celebrate this revelation, I want to enjoy the intense feeling of love. Instead, I must be patient. Knowing how sweet the future will be and yet how sour the present is. His eyes tell me he loves me, he wishes to embrace me, he wants to say so many things, but his body lays soft against the bed and his throat chokes on words. Patience, patience, patience, I DESPISE patience- I WANT HIM BACK NOW! 

1-10-07 YOU. Today was a normal day of hard work, rain, and Danny. I only hit snooze three times this morning- a vast improvement. Then I did laundry, cleaned, and headed to the office. I did work until 10am, returned home to do more work, eat lunch, and make phone calls. Around noon I returned to the office to find out my work for the day was done. I walked the ten minute path up the mountain to Danny's in the pouring rain. I love the rain- people stay at home while the earth cools and cleans itself. One day, at the beginning of our relationship, it began to rain while we took a walk to the beach. I told Danny how much I loved the rain and couldn't understand why people here run for cover like they are made of sugar as soon as a drop is felt. He called me his rain goddess and told me to order rain for the next day because his vegetables needed water.  Sure enough, it rained. Joking, he asked for it again a few days later- and it came within an hour. Now whenever it rains I think of him. My thoughts flooded with memories, the walk up the hill took only seconds. Drenched, I changed into some of his clothes and headed to his bed side. After a while, I got tired of doing all the talking and asked him what he thought of all day. His answer- you. At first, I thought "how absolutely cheezey". But then I realized it wasn't a line. Every second that I spend thinking of him, us, and the situation, he is doing just the same. Before Danny, I had actually begun to believe that men were part of a universal conspiracy to make women believe they loved when in reality they didn't have the emotional ability. Now I realize that men love the same, sometimes.

Flashback- Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving I flew home to spend time with the family and screw on my head. I was honestly scared to return to this place that was my past life. It felt like I had crossed over into another reality- the size, the people, the concrete. I stepped through a magical door into another world. At first, I hated it. Seeing the waste of money, the unfriendliness of people, and the pollution reminded me of all the reasons I wanted to get out. I never did quite fit in the states- that is why I was always trying to fix it. Sitting at the freezing cold, dry, airport during my layover in Baltimore I overheard a mother and daughter arguing. The daughter was unhappy they had come to the airport so early and had to sit around for an hour (I had been there for about 5 hours at this point). The conversation continues and it turns out they are taking a trip to the American Girl Place (a fancy doll store) for her doll to get a new outfit. In my head I screamed- "a &*^%$ outfit for your *&#$@ doll. The money you spent on the plane ticket, hotel, and *#@! doll could have paid for a MRI machine for my island and saved my boyfriend from this &%$#@ hell". We spend so much money on such STUPID things. I guess you don't see it until you live happier without it.

I never did get over the materialism, but seeing my mother at the airport and the peppermint mocha Starbucks coffee, cheered me up quite a bit. This is when I remembered the parts of the states I love- my family, friends, culture, and FOOD. Mexican, Italian, French, Chicago Deep Dish, ect. Good, diverse, tasty food. I had a blast when I could get my mind off Danny and the sickness that cost me my voice. It was SOOOOO nice to hang out and eat. To go to a night club, drink with friends. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was to see all of my friends- especially B-squared. The strange part though was that they are all grown-up and responsible and stuff. Hello people, we are only in the mid-twenties! No houses, children, marriages yet. We have our thirties for that- slow down. Anyways, I cannot express in words how much that trip made me whole again, how my family and friends patched up a bleeding heart. Just one night watching movies in my mothers bed stitched up a gaping hole, not to mention seeing Wicked, visiting the city, going dancing, eating at fancy restaurants, having another Starbucks, and all of the other amazing things that I did. I have a lot to be thankful for- my mother, father, friends, cats, the Starbucks workers, and the person who invented deep dish pizza.

1-5-07 Blessed. I got to spend a good six hours today by myself and on the phone with family and friends. Now, I do not know if this entry has been inspired by the up swing of my emotional pendulum, but I know that my heart feels light today and I have to say this because my eyes are wet with happiness and I need to express how I feel. I am one of the most blessed individuals on the face of the earth. God has blessed me in so many ways I could never ask for more. I do not feel this way because Danny is breaking all the odds and getting better, I have felt this way for most of my life- the reason has just become more clear lately. So here goes an attempt to explain why you cannot be as blessed as me.

One- my friends. I have a best friend or two from each period of my life. When I say best friend, I am not using that term lightly. I have this one friend from my high school days who has loved me unconditionally and given to me no matter how unbelievably tough her life has gotten. Her smile can make even the rainiest days shine and her relationship with her son has taught me what it really takes to raise and love a child. I have another high school friend who makes me smile and laugh whenever I am near him. He was always like a brother more than a friend and always will be. Then there is B squared. My life has never been the same since I met her. She is my sister, the one who understands me more than anyone. She is an amazing person who I will always love and who has made me grow in ways she cannot comprehend. Without her, I may have lost my inner child a long time ago. Here in Dominica I found another lifetime friend in another PCV. This woman truly lives by her morals and proves her loyalty and love everyday. I would have never made it through this without her- nothing was too much to ask for. This is only a few of the many friends who touch my life daily.

Two- My family. I have the most wonderful and adorable nephews that have ever existed. I have watched them grow into two of the most delightful, intelligent, handsome boys. This is due to their amazing parents. My aunt has inspired me since I was young and continues to amaze me with her giving, loving, and empathetic nature. I really love them and wish my time living near them had been longer. My father is another person in my life that never ceases to amaze me. What he has accomplished thus far in his life and the amount of lives he has touched in a positive way surpasses 99% of the humans on this earth. He gives without even realizing and is never afraid of just being himself. I hope I can say the same when I am at his age. My mother is the best mother any child could have ever asked for. She IS my best friend and more. I always told her that even after I get married she will still be number one in my life. She always told me that would change, IT WONT. Maybe my relationship with my partner will be different, but they will be equally number ones. I am who I am and have accomplished what I have because of the amount of love and support she has always given me (even when I do stupid things). You know how people say that when they get older they start to hear themselves say things and do things and then realize that was their mother or father that just came out of them. That happens more and more to me and every time it does I smile and feel proud- now who can say that!

Three- My life. As a child I climbed mountains, swam in rivers, hiked, camped, and played, played, played. Skipping adolescence college was the best years of my life until I experienced the year in Boston and then the last year and a half in the Peace Corps. I have been blessed with more great memories than bad ones.

Finally- I have the most amazing, loving, strong, handsome, and inspiring man in my life. He was nearly taken away, but that just makes our relationship that much sweeter.

So yes, I am blessed and no matter how hard this situation I am going through now is, I have these people and memories to keep me strong. Thank you

1-26-07 Exhausted. Lately I find myself in a constant state of exhaustion. You know that feeling after you had a full day mentally and physically and are truly ready to lay your head on the pillow and disappear into a dream. The problem is that I have this feeling from the moment I awake until past the time I put my head down. I am so tired some nights I cannot sleep. Why am I tired- let me take you through one of my days last week. I awoke at 2:05am to Danny's cries for me to get the tub so he could urinate. I woke again at 2:30 in order to turn him onto a new side so that his muscles do not turn spastic and stiff. Then again at 4:30 for another turn. My alarm rings for the final time in the morning at 5:30am so that I can pull my legs out of the bed. I quickly wash my face, brush my teeth, throw on clothing for the day, and tie my hair into a pony tail. I then brush Danny's teeth, give him a bath, change his bedding, put on his deodorant, cologne, and oils.

Once he is dressed and cleaned I run downstairs to grab his breakfast. I feed him, pour water into his tubes, and then refill the water bottle and clean-up the room. Giving him a kiss goodbye and instructions on what to practice throughout the day I rush down stairs with his dirty dishes, do the dishes, get my breakfast, and make a break for work. It is about 7:45am at this point and usually I am about 5 to 10 min late for work. I get to the CCF office just in time to grab the forms and information I need and jump into a bus to head to another village for a parenting workshop. With a splitting headache I help teach youth how to take notes and what to do in order for the programme to succeed without me being there. I also assist with cutting foam and cloth for the parents to make stimulation toys for their children. We return to my village around 11:30am. I go home in order to take some medication and check for an email from the Forestry Division about an upcoming event. The email being unsurprisingly absent, I answer several others about work issues. I then return to the CCF office to give a computer lesson and make some excel and word documents to make records stronger and easier.

Around 4:30 we close up the office and I run up the mountain to Danny's excited the day is over, except its not. It is 5pm and I have exactly three and a half hours to fit in doing his physical therapy, feed him dinner, eat my own dinner, put him in his chair, do more therapy, do the dishes, bathe him, brush his teeth, change his clothes, take a shower, get ready for bed, and say good night. Too much to ask for? Not when the second I enter his room he gives me more than enough payment in advance- a full body laugh and enormous smile. Lately he even puckers making it apparent he wants his "honey I'm home" kiss and says (yes out loud) I love you, I missed you.

At 8:30pm, I am finally sitting on the bed next to Danny's ready to pass out with my cell phone in my hand setting my alarm. The first alarm will wake me at 11pm for the first turn, then 1am, then 3:30, than 5:30. My alarm set, all I want to do is take advantage of every second of sleep. Instead, I look in Danny's direction, he is looking at me with eyes of passion and desperate need. All day, while I ran about, he was stuck in that bed not speaking a word, trapped in his own mind. I can see all he wants is for me to lay with him, to talk, to be tender. I see those eyes and I think how desperately I want the same thing, so I slip into his arms (now able to hold me) and loose myself for an hour or more. Petrified to move and disturb him, I do not sleep, I cry a bit, but never loud enough to wake him. My tears are from exhaustion and happiness. I think about those moments in the hospital when I prayed to God to give me one more night in his arms- missing a little sleep, completely worth it.

1-28-07 Faith. Before Danny's stroke faith in God and life was something I had in abundance. I always had the ability to lay my life into the world's energy and let it lead me through the worst. Throughout life, when things seemed difficult I always had faith that at least nothing else would go wrong because there are certain unseen or unspoken rules that govern reality similar to the millions of rules that control nature.  I therefore believed both in God (or a higher energy we call God) and fate. I believed in phrases like "good comes out of everything", "God never gives you more than you can handle", "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger", "it always works itself out".

Then Danny fell ill, my cat got run over by a car, the doctors were anything but optimistic, and Danny's family decided they disliked me. I suddenly had been shoved into a reality that seemed to follow none of the rules I had trusted throughout my entire life. A dark cloud encircled my body, mind, soul. The world made no more sense, it began to spin backwards and there was nothing for me to grab onto to steady my aching head. A friend saw me one day and told me I looked like someone had just punched me between the eyes. That is how I felt- dazed, confused, in more pain than I found fair or bearable. I moved, but simply by putting one foot before the other wishing for some current of air to lift me high and take me back to the world I once knew- the one that was occurring around me but that I no longer fit into.  I cried, begged, yelled, and swore in my prayers. Some nights I cried uncontrollably- with tears of true anguish. I tore at my bed, kicked, screamed into pillows, and ripped out hair. I thought this kind of scene was meant only for the movies, but it was all I could do not to implode.

I had lost faith in everything- purpose, control, happiness. Then things started to turn around, he began to move, swallow food, his family started to support me, and he began to spell out his love to me and told me over and over "be strong- I will get better". Suddenly my faith resurfaced. Fate it seemed did still have rules and God had given a hand in it all. Throughout the whole experience I remember looking at the beautiful sky. I remember always thinking God showed her real power through the beauty of the sky- the most noticeable, huge, and ever changing painting in existence. The only hope I had was when I looked at the sky- and it was always beautiful. Now I saw the explanations in everything. I asked for death if Danny wasn't going to get better. He never died, he was going to get better. My cat had been run over- to cruel for reality, but now I realize that cat would have made taking care of Danny ten times harder, and it turns out he was always allergic to it!

Then there is all the help I have received- people blessing our lives with their knowledge and assistance. One speech therapist has sent me materials and answers each and every question I have had with care and kindness. There is another Locked-In patient who was there to tell me not to give up hope just when I was about to. My aunt who has had her hand in every area she could to help out. Really her assistance is the same that she had always given me- giving me assurance that if ever I did fall she would be on the team of people hoisting me back up. I always feel safe talking to her about my medical problems- not because she is a doctor, but because she is so kind and concerned even when the problem is so insignificant. God, fate, put these people in my life for this period of my life to make sure I didn't get more than I can handle.

Looking back, I see God in every step, every miracle. My faith is not back to the level before the stroke, it is ten times stronger. Reality it seems- has rules, just like everyone of the aspects that make it up.

Flashback- Christmas- For Christmas my Aunt, Uncle, cousins, mother, and father came to celebrate. The timing in relevance to Danny was not good. He had just come home and I wanted to be there with him at every moment while also wanting to spend every waking second with my family. When I was with them, I thought only of Danny, when I was with Danny, I only thought of them. I know I wasn't the best company, but I think they had fun and I REALLY loved having them there. The best part was seeing my cousins. Over the year living near them I got to see what amazing little people they are. The week here in Dominica showed me they are still on the same positive track to adulthood. They are such wonderful children- truly kind hearts, intelligent, handsome, and open-minded. I really hope my children turn out half as great. I look forward to the time when I can do for them all the things their mother has done for me and I really hope I can be as good of a role model and inspiration in their lives as she is in mine.

We had so many fun times that I could feel the tension and depression melting off my heart. I cannot wait to see them next Christmas and will seriously consider Boston for Graduate school. I love them dearly.

My father and mother I had just seen for Thanksgiving, so I didn't think it would be such a relief to see them- it was. My mother as always knew how to handle my strange moods and depression. Her honesty and loving manor reminded me no matter what happens I will always be her daughter and therefore always be loved. I cannot wait for her to visit again. My father and I are the same as usual, close, but without the best understanding. I think it is hard for him to handle when I am in pain. I also think it is hard for him to really grasp that I am an adult woman who loves and whos heart breaks like everyone else. He doesn't realize it, but he never had to say anything (sometimes words clash between us), his actions throughout my life have always been what told me he loves me and  supports me. He really touched my heart this visit with his reaction to Danny and his constant support of me. I could see the situation tearing at him. You always want only good things to happen to your children. Dad- what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger- and you have molded me into a VERY strong woman who I believe after this situation, can handle almost anything.

Thank you everyone for coming, understanding, and supporting. I love all of you very much.

2-3 Words. Another week over, another week closer to less work. Not less work with the Peace Corps, but less work with Danny. In order to keep myself sane I have to separate my two relationships with Danny- one nurse, one wife. If I don't, I find myself angry at him for no real reason. Of course, its not always easy to separate the two. I often feel guilty sitting and enjoying a conversation with him when I know I didn't accomplish his physical therapy for the day. At the same time, sometimes after a hard day I just want to go home to a boyfriend to talk to and enjoy the company of. Instead, I see him and have to push myself to do more work. Of course, my nursing job is getting easier by the day. This is because every day he can do a little more. For example, a month ago, to pour water down his stomach tube to keep it clean (even though he no longer needs it for food) I had to balance the water bottle, syringe pieces (2), the tube, and the clasp. Now, Danny can hold and hand me the bottle of water making the job ten times easier. Turning him becomes easier as he is gradually becoming able to turn himself onto his side and today he sat up on his own for a bit- soon that will lead to him really helping us move him in and out of his chair.

One improvement that is impacting both of our relationships is that he is really talking now. Sometimes it is a bit unclear and so I have to have him say the letters and spell it out, but we can have true conversations with WORDS. I once took a philosophy class that looked at the importance of words and symbols. I never truly grasped their power until now. As his nurse, he can now tell me he has to pee or poo, if something is too hot or cold, and if something hurts. As his wife, he tells me his thoughts, desires, and dreams. He can say I love you and tell me what he dreams our house will look like when we settle down. His words are loud, slurry, slow, and often interrupted with a cough or laugh, but just as his touches were when they first came back, each one is so very precious.

2-11 Movement. I really have so little to say this week. Everything is the same. Danny stands himself up now and his speech is always improving. He sits up on his own as well. I will buy a sippy cup on Tuesday for him to start giving himself his juice and water. There is less and less to do. It only takes one person to take him from the bed to the chair now. All I have to really do is direct his motions to make sure he doesn't tip over. He will be feeding himself very soon and helps me move him when we bathe and turn him. He widens his arms for me to apply his deodorant and lifts his arms into his shirts. I have to keep reminding myself and him not to do the things for him that he can now do for himself. Once in a while he will yell for me because an arm fell off the chair or his head isn't positioned right. Those times I enjoy looking him in the eye and saying, "What? Do it yourself. Who do you think I am, your nurse?" He then laughs and fixes himself realizing he had forgotten he could do it himself. The other day I was sitting on his lap (I do it for hours when he is in the chair in order to stretch his ankle), he grabbed my sides and pulled me back into him, then started laughing uncontrollably. I asked why he was laughing. He answered with a big grin- I am moving again. Thank the Lord, he is.

2-16 Giving Up. Two nights ago I got really sick- throwing up and bad diarrhea. Turns out I had worms.  That's my life. I still worked all day and took care of Danny at night. I still tried to be nice. I still didn't give up.

The day I got sick a doctor specializing in getting brain injured patients back on their feet came to see Danny. He said that if Danny was in a care facility and had therapy twice a day he could be back on his feet in two to three months. Since this is not a possibility, it will take up to a year. Its just not fair, Its just not right. 10 extra months in a bed just because he was born in Dominica instead of the US. Why is there no place or person out there willing to help him? I do not understand. On human nature, I give up. Some people will go all out to try to help (many have). Yet those with the most and therefore the least to loose hold tight onto every penny, every treatment bed, every working hour. Two months vs. Once year is unacceptable. It makes me so angry and depressed to think about. Sorry to slip into simplistic language but this world order we have SUCKS. It angers my heart, my moral center, my reasoning. It royally pisses me off to no end. I hate it, I hate it, I want to give up.                                but i wont. 

2-18 Knowing One's Self. People say that one must know one's self in order to know what is around them. But how do we truly know who we are and how can we ever know something that is constantly changing. Perhaps it is only in the face of great questions and life turning points that we can gain the evidence needed to build a case for ones self. If someone would have asked me if I was strong enough to handle this or if I would stick it out I would have said yes. I would have been right, but I would have had no idea what dark corners I would have confronted inside myself by doing so. I have no time to introspect myself daily, no time to get in touch. So when I take a break on weekends I smack directly into my own mind, heart, and thoughts. I get scared, lonely, and ready to run (to what I can never figure out). This is when I have to truly search inside my own heart for my strength and remind my mind and soul that it exists. I reboot. Confronting one's self in this manner is not recommended.

Lately, I realized I am trapped in a situation that is harder than any I have ever confronted. There is really no way out- no acceptable way that is. I cannot do less or more for anyone or any part of my life. I do not want to and yet I want a change. I know this may not make much sense. Let me see if I can explain. I want to do enough therapy for Danny that he gets better in two months instead of a year. I want to talk to my mom daily like I have my entire life. I want work to go well and my projects to be successful. I want my friends by my side and to enjoy some entertainment. I want to be healthy. I want B Squared to come visit. I cannot do any of it all at once. I must sacrifice so much to get so little. Life is not giving me options. My friend asked me last night "what would you tell me if I said this". I didn't know what to say- there are no options. I am cornered. I do not like to be cornered and it eats at my soul. Time heals all. Time gives options. I am back to that patience thing. Just like when I am experiencing the physical pain of climbing a mountain I know I will get through this, be stronger for it, and only look back upon the flowers and beautiful scenery, but I sure do hate it at the moment. I know I can handle this- I do not have a choice.

2-24 I'm Fine. For some reason people will not stop asking me if I am okay and no one believes me when I say I am. Perhaps that's because I am not. My mother has always told me that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I try to seem okay and happy all the time, but lately it just has not been possible. I have no control over my life right now and am having no fun. Last night I finally went out for the first time in about two months. It was nice to be around a lot of the people that make me feel comfortable and at peace, but I was so tired and sick that I couldn't pull my mind back to earth. So everyone asked me if I was okay, what is wrong, will I be alright. One of Danny's aunts even started telling everyone in his family that I am depressed. I am starting to get depressed about being depressed!

I am sorry I am not my usual smiling and laughing self. I have nothing to smile and laugh about right now. Life currently SUCKS. I know it wont forever. That is why I have set myself on cruse control so I can get through it and have time to look around at the few good things that pass by. When Danny is back, I will be back. Until then I just wish people would let me coast and not have to put on my smiley face all the time. I guess that is the problem with being a generally happy person, when you do get down, everyone notices and no one leaves you alone. I am grateful that people care enough, I honestly do not expect the attention to stop, but I just wish I could turn invisible for a few months until I can be all smiles again. I feel guilty for not being fine. I feel guilty for not smiling. So, I just say over and over, I'm fine.

2-28 Still Fine. In a way this is kinda ironic. I was told I should add an entry letting everyone know I am alright since my last few entries have been downers. Sorry everyone, I am still fine. Actually, I am feeling healthier (my parasites are being killed, my bumps shrinking). I am also in a better mood. Still exhausted though! Don't worry- Ill be okay. Just remember that when I write these entries I am writing what is in my heart and head and we all know they can be extreme.

3-4 Eyes Open. Danny and I were talking a few nights ago about our relationship before the accident. I asked him jokingly, "why did I fall in love with you"? He said that he fell in-love with me the night I washed his feet. It was around our two month mark and I had noted that his feet were pretty bad with calluses and nail issues so I set up a surprise for him. I gave him a pedicure that led to a massage and night of romance. I could tell he really appreciated it, but had no idea to what degree. He said there was only one other woman in his life who would have done that for him. He had proven that he was the type of person that would give you his left arm if you needed it, he will do anything to make you happy without you even asking. He had left flowers on my door, cleaned up my puke, done my laundry and dishes, and so much more throughout the relationship. I realize as he has that we are similar in this important way. This is our bond and it will keep our eyes always open to the love we share.

3-8 Fathers visit. I want to warn everyone that it may be a while before I update my website. My father is visiting tomorrow and will take up most of my free time. On Sunday we are going Whale Watching! Danny Update: Everything continues to strengthen. His voice is so clear it is possible to have long detailed talks that make me much happier. Almost all of his previously weak muscles are strong enough to at least move the attached limb. He sat up in his bed for about 15 min on his own yesterday. He is eating hard food and feeding himself. He wipes his own mouth. He is standing for longer and longer and taking occasional steps. His bladder control increases daily. At nights I no longer have to wake up every 2.5 hours to turn him. I turn him before I fall asleep and when he gets tired he can shift his weight enough to keep him comfortable until he has to pee. Then I turn him once again. This means more sleep for me and less to do. When my dad comes we are hoping Danny will make great strides since he will get his therapy twice a day seven days a week for about 20 days straight. We are getting a lighter weight wheelchair so we can take him all about. In all, he is doing amazingly. Thank you again to everyone who sent suggestions and supplies to make his recovery possible.

Work has been productive. I arranged a PCV anniversary clean-up project along side of some other PCVs. I got my Environmental Club to come and help us repair a trail at a popular tourist attraction. It turned out really well and I was television! I am famous! Saturday I will be going to a river with the club to do a clean-up and get some free food and juice. My Service-Learning workshop was a success and has led to the start of several other projects throughout the community and school. The library is nearing completion. I have an art contest going at the Primary School that is a lot of fun. The students I tutor at the Secondary School have shown a lot of progress and I have formed good relationships with a few of them. I have almost completed the work with CCF and will begin training on organizational skills soon. I continue to hold bi-weekly computer classes for them. Finally, my Wind Blow Water Project seems to be finally taking root and I have a lot of exited participants. I am putting in for my extension by the end of the month.

All in all, things are doing much better. The sun is shining and with  my father here, things can only get better. I know I will leave the Peace Corps feeling satisfied that I assisted my community, grew as a person, and formed life long relationships. Hopefully though, I am only half way done!

4-2 Dad's Visit, Cuba, Good bye, SO in-love. Yep there is a lot to cover since it has been so long. Here it goes:

Dad's Visit- Having my father here gave me such a deep breath of air I was finally able to ground my mind, body, and heart. His visit took so much pressure off of me that I really was able to recuperate and become strong once again. I really love my father's passion to help and his trust and love of people. Though not always a great judge of character, he is the first to point out a persons strengths and forget their bad side. He helped Danny more than he can grasp. Every morning he did hours of therapy making it possible for me not to stress out and take some time off. I love how well they get along. Danny really loves my father and though my dad will always have his reservations about any man in my life, I think he really likes Danny. I really wish that my dad didn't have to go.

Cuba- Danny is doing very well. He is standing up on his own, feeding himself, moving around like crazy in his chair, and wheeling himself around. His voice is still improving and his coordination is improving. He even wrote me a love letter. The best news about Danny is that a rehab center in Cuba may be willing to take Danny for free. It should happen by the end of the month. I don't know any specifics, but I am SOOOO excited (and scared). I will be able to return to my normal life yet I know I will miss him more than words can express. Okay, I cannot think about it because every time I do I cry.

Good bye- So Saturday one of the Peace Corps Volunteers that I really love went home. Her time was up. I'm not the best as letting people know how I feel about them so I am not sure if I really said a proper good bye. Let me see if I can fix that. This PCV and I worked together to train the new group of volunteers. We worked together so well it amazed me. She was an amazing PCV and truly did everything she could to make an impact while she was here. More than that she made an impact on me by serving as a positive example. She was always there for me when I needed someone to speak with. We had a lot of great laughs and I am really going to miss her.

In-love- Here comes the mushy stuff. One of the best parts of having my father here was that I got a chance to see Danny as my boyfriend again. We went out on dates, held hands on the beach, kissed under the stars. The feeling of him being my patient left and a strong feeling of love and admiration flooded my heart and head. I love this man beyond words. His strength and kindness is unsurpassed. We are really made for one another and I truly believe that he is the one I will grow old with, no matter his physical condition. I just cannot imagine my life without him in it. He said the other day that this stroke was a blessing. I really never wanted to say that, but I have been thinking it lately. Our bond is now closer than it could have ever been otherwise. I wish we could have been close and learned these lessons without the pain and depression of the stroke, but life is never that simple. I just wish everyone else would really see how close we are, how much we love one another, and how good we are for each other. I do not know what I want in my future except for a few things: 1) I want children  2) I want my Masters  3) I want to be near my family (esp my mother) 4) and I want him in it. Without these things I wont be happy. I never thought I could feel love like this again- but I do, and I will as long as he is next to me. Its like a fairy tail I know, and it could break just as easy, but I'm tired of not taking the chance. I still cry at night- but now it is beginning to be because I am so happy.

4-10 Progress. So Easter break has been nice so far. I have not done much for "fun" really. I go to spend a lot of time with Danny. He stood up for 30min yesterday- a record. I haven't heard from his brother about Cuba. but we still have a month. He is getting so strong, but I do not know how to turn his new strength into things like sitting up in bed or getting from the bed to the chair without assistance. I do not know a lot of things. Some days I just wish he could get back his functions if only for a few hours. It gets so boring just sitting all day, not going anywhere, not getting into in depth conversations, not really doing anything. My butt actually hurts from sitting so much this weekend!

Besides the progress with Danny, I have also made progress. I have narrowed down my college choices and have a few people starting the gathering of information phase. Some of my projects have made some good strides as well. The library is now officially sub-divided into sections. Now we just have to further divide them, sticker them, put in cards, and plastic bag them onto the shelves. After that the fun of murals and cushions begin. I have received all but one paragraph of a project proposal from the parties involved in my largest project. I am finalizing plans for a summer group this week and am just waiting to hear back from FAVACA about a Learning Disability workshop. I continue to work with CCF and hope to soon begin training others on the busy work I am currently undertaking. It looks promising. All in all, the projects are going well and I am very busy.

Mentally- I am still swimming through life day by day. Everyday gets a little better even when something happens that gets me a little down. My mothers birthday was yesterday. I do not think she realizes this, but it has always broken my heart to not be around for her birthday. As anyone who knows anything about me knows I love my mom as my best friend. I want to celebrate her big day with her not a million miles away. Even when I was there I can always remember being sad on April 9th. See, my mother does not really like her birthday- I think. I can always remember taking the time to try and make everything so perfect. The perfect hand made card, the perfect surprises, dinner, party, cake. Yet she never seemed happy. As a child this always made me scared of her birthday. Now I understand. I do not like mine much either and I really do not want my mother to get a day older. Still- I wish I could spend it with her and make the day as special as possible because she is my mother, she is special, and she deserves only the best. I love you mom- happy 25th birthday. (If you are willing to let me stay 25 I will let you slide too!)

4-29 Write. So I write less and less because I have less and less time to write. My projects are going well and therefore leave me busy. Plus, in May my mother visits for a week and I have COS (Close of Service) conference in Grenada. This leaves me with limited days to work. The days I do have are jammed pack. At the primary school the library is beginning to seem close to finishing. At least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is the short term at the secondary school so I have only tutoring and the environmental club. My Wind Blow project has its last meeting before sending in the proposal for funding on Monday. CCF has hired someone to do the secretarial work so I have to start training them on Monday. Basically, I am closing up my projects and getting ready to concentrate entirely on Service-Learning and the Wind Blow project. It will be nice to have less projects even though this will still be plenty of work. At least my mind wont be jumping all over the village to make sure I am not forgetting something or someone.

Danny still progresses daily. His stomach tube was removed Wed. He can raise his arm above his head and his steps are more straight. He stands for over an hour each day. His speech is so good he can sing. I still need him to repeat himself about 20 percent of the time. I am still impatient though. I know if he could get to Cuba he would improve so much faster than I am able to do for him. Still, I feel he is on the verge of sitting himself up in bed and get into the chair himself. He feeds himself much better. Everyday he gets a fraction better- I just wish it would go faster. One reason is that we need him to start making an income. The debt from the hospitals is overwhelming and it is hard for me to save up money when I spend so much on food for the two of us.

Even with all of this I am glad to still be in Dominica doing work I love and with a man I love so very much. Now that he speaks more and more I feel like I finally have my boyfriend back. He cuddles with me at night and talks to me about everything just like before. I wish I could take a month off and concentrate on him and his therapy.

MY MOM COME IN 8 DAYS!!!!!! I am SOOOOOOO excited. May is going to be a good and fruitful month.

6-5 Mom, COS, Extending, Danny, etc. There is so much to tell since it has been over a month since I last wrote.

MOM- My mother visited for a week. It was WONDERFUL having her with me. We spent one night at an old plantation house and got massages. Most of the time was spent with Danny at his home. I think that a lot of people see me and Danny together and wonder how and why I do it. They are afraid I am making a bad "choice" to stay with him since our life together will always be lined with obstacles. The life of having a husband that is another nationality, race, and handicapped. For my mother, it took less than a day to see that this is not a choice and that Danny makes me happy. I can tell when we talk that she now realizes that Danny is not just another guy on my list, but that special one. It is because of this, I know we will be okay. I have never found an obstacle in my life too great, with the support and love of my mother. I really, really hope I end up at a graduate program near her.

COS- The Close of Service conference was in Grenada at the Coyaba Resort. It was wonderful to take hot showers and sleep in air conditioned rooms with the blankets tucked under my chin. I had the chance to hang out with my Peace Corps friends who will soon be leaving for the US. Grenada and the surrounding islands were fun to visit, but I definitely enjoy Dominica much MUCH more. While away, I really got a chance to think about my future and analyze my present.  Life is not going to get easy any time soon, but I think I am ready for whatever is thrown my way. I have grown more in the last two years than I ever did before. I see much of my family in me, especially their strength. I have come to realize that a successful life is not found in the money you make or the career you pursue, but in the relationships you keep and the happiness of everyday life. In fact, money often destroys these relationships and the everyday happiness that is possible in a persons life. I truly believe that if everyone acted on what made them truly happy and not on what society tells you makes you happy the world would be a much more moral and joyous place. I find joy in teaching and being around grade school "low class" children. I know that great feeling getting a smile, finger painting, or hug from one of those children can fuel me in ways that no six figure income could ever do. At the end of my day, I evaluate my success on whether I fall asleep with a smile and a lack of guilt for my actions rather than how much I made and how expensive the house is that I am sleeping in.

Extension- So I received approval for a 9 month extension. The plan is to extend until mid-June, then the wedding, then school back in the states. This is the plan, but there are so many contributing factors that could lead to this dissolving. For one, the US is hard to get a VISA into and nearly impossible if you are handicapped. Also, how are we going to finance a wedding, a major move, and starting school all at the same time. I guess we have a year to figure this one out!

Danny- At COS, I figured out that one of the PCVs is an occupational therapist. She gave me a few hour training and some ideas to work with Danny. So far, this change has led to a lot of positive progress. For one, Danny now does most of the work to bathe, dress, and feed. He is eating his meals on his own, and is a lot stronger. He can give me foot massages and caress my back at night. He tells hour long stories and jokes around with friends and family. He is really Danny again- just a lot more loving and comfortable with me. To explain how I am feeling towards him I have to tell you about my Great Aunt and Uncle Harry and Esther. During the summers my family and I always spent a lot of time with them. I can picture their home down to the last music box and toy train. They had no children, but always seemed to have a love for myself and my parents that was mother and fatherly. Most of all, I remember how much they loved one another. Not that any relationship is perfect, but I just remember that you could never mention or think of one without the other. They might as well have been HarryandEsther. One tragic holiday we lost Harry. Within that year, Esther past away. I don't remember what she had officially died off, but I remember as a child I just saw it as death by heart ache.

That is how I have always dreamed I would be some day. I hoped I could find that type of love, that level of commitment. I never thought it was truly possible for me until now. Danny and I have broken all barriers between one another. We reach each other in a way I never dreamed possible to reach anyone. We really are DannyandJennie. That is how people talk about us, that is how we talk about ourselves. I used to think the whole uniting into one thing at weddings was stupid and ancient. Now I get it. I do not take a step without Danny- he is in me- in my thoughts, in my heart. I know in everything I do, he is supporting me, loving me. Anything that makes him happy makes me happy and anything that makes me happy makes him happy. So now I can concentrate on making myself happy knowing it will do the same for him. I am sorry if this is hokey, but I hope it helps people understand that what I do for him is not a choice. Going back to the section on doing what makes me happy- doing this for Danny is what makes a day successful, it is what makes me sleep contently at night.

6-26 Wedding, Projects. It has been a bit since I have given an update on my projects.

Primary School- I hope to finish bench three of four this Thursday. I am having four classes paint the four benches that we found in the library. So far it has been a great success and I will post the pictures soon. The library itself looks to be opened in September at the beginning of the school year. There is a group from the states coming for a week in July to do service work. During that week they will be painting the outside of the library and a mural on the inside. There is also someone currently shipping some more books and pillows for the soft corner.

Secondary School- Tutoring is finished and my students tested very well! I already miss them. We have funding to start the Service Learning portion the environmental project next semester. We will also be hosting a group of volunteers from the states to run a Learning Disability workshop for two weeks this July. It is for over 60 teachers and will really begin the discussion on LD students. The environmental club will be joining us in July for the big kick off of the environmental project along side of that group from the states.

Village Council- The environmental project has received its first bit of funding. $18,000EC in order to redirect a drain that dumps waste water into the natural spring. It should also leave us with some money to label flora and fauna and make some benches and a trail. We are still seeking funding to do the second half of the project- installing an interpretive center and bathrooms as well as a memorial for the graveyard and tour guide training. I am also holding weekly computer classes for the councilors and select youth.

CCF- We are in the process of finishing up the database. I am trying to figure out a way to hold computer classes, but it is proving very difficult because the participants come from so far and only meet centrally twice a month. The group from the states is also going to do two different projects for this group. One- they are going to sponsor card making workshops for youth to make the traditional Christmas cards for their sponsors. Two- they are going to build vegetable boxes for CCF families who are part of their grow vegetables for a better diet program.

There are a few more side projects that are small, but all of these are intersecting in major ways during July. July is going to be CRAZY!!! I cannot wait for my birthday. It will mark the end of the craziness, and Danny is coming over to spend the long weekend!

Wedding- So Danny and I have made it official. The wedding will be July 5th, 2008. We have set our plans in order to save up the needed money. We are very excited. He has set a goal to be walking by December so that he can help get us ready. We will grow our food for the wedding including the chickens. This will keep the price down and the taste up! I am truly ready, but wont start counting down the days until July 5, 07!

8-26 LD workshop, Service-Learning Camp, Birthday,  DEAN, EC77, Danny, SO MUCH TO SAY

LD Workshop- At the beginning of the summer I held a week long Learning Disability Workshop for teachers throughout the entire East, Northeast, and Southeastern districts. It was a big success- except that so much fell apart. I felt like a center on an American Football team always having to pick up a Quarterback's fumbles. They say we should always help local people to help themselves and therefore play a supportive and behind the scenes role in projects. This is great in theory, but when so much rides on a project and no one seems to pick up the pace or to increase their reliability based on its importance, it gets INCREDIBLY frustrating. Still, I learned a lot and those that did come through got a lot out of the project. Three "experts" in Special Education came down to lead the workshop the first week and to meet with parents and youth the second week. Overall, the effect of the project is going to be great. Its effect on me was substantial in that I really got to know what I could enjoy doing as a profession and how I CANNOT handle doing development here forever. I also learned who is truly reliable and who is not.

Service-Learning Camp- Overlapping the first week of the LD workshop I also had a week long camp for about 20 youth from Dominica and 14 from the states. They learned about the economy, culture, and history of each others nations while doing many service projects across the village. It was a huge success. It also contrasted my old and new life. Those youth from the States drove me nuts with their "better than thou" attitude and spoiled nature. These youth definitely were from very wealthy families and had never truly seen reality. I hope the experience opened up their eyes and minds. They complained and complained about the smallest and most insignificant things including covering their bodies. I know in the states they wouldn't be looked at as hussies, but here they could have been mistaken as prostitutes!

Birthday- Danny set-up the whole weekend and it was amazing. We arrived at my apartment on Thursday morning around 10am. He had arranged for a local restaurant to prepare lunch and a cake for us. They delivered me PIZZA! It was SO sweet. Then he set it up for us to go have a romantic dinner for two- though we were rudely interrupted. The rest of the weekend was just the two of us- it was unbelievable nice. Knowing the difficulty he has getting around and contacting people, he really did more than I could have ever imagined. I almost cried tears of happiness several times over the weekend.

DEAN- Hurricane Dean hit us one week ago. It wasn't all that bad during the storm. Lots of rain and wind- only a category two. The Peace Corps really does prepare us well and supports us wonderfully during these types of things. When it was over, that is when I realized how devastating it really was. The fields look like some huge bulldozer came through and bent all of the trees in half. We now will have a food shortage for 9 months and a lot of people in my village will have no income, but a lot of work to do for about the same amount of time. The roads are completely destroyed from landslides. We just received electricity yesterday night and some still have no water. The verdict is out on the complete effect of Dean on this island, but one thing is for sure- Dominicans come together just like all people do in times of devastation.

Danny- He continues to make improvements at the same rate. Some days it feels like an endless and impossible battle. Other days, I feel like he is just a few steps away. When I step back and try to put a time limit on everything I want to scream. To imagine him not sick is no longer possible. Even in my dreams he sits in his chair or lays helpless on his bed. Last night in my dream, while everyone else walked, he seemed to float over the ground like an angel, his legs straight and his arms crossed in front of him. If I look forward I give myself a mild anxiety attack. I want him back to normal more than I have ever wanted anything else in the world. I called an immigration lawyer in the states who told me Danny cannot get into the US without passing a physical. A physical he could never pass in his current condition. This is even if we are married. How can a nation that prides itself on being non-discriminatory especially against handicap, tell me I cannot marry and live my life in MY country with the man I love simply because he is in a wheelchair. This has killed so many of my dreams and plans. If I have to push back school another year I will survive, but what if Danny never gets out of that wheelchair. Can I be happy returning to the US without the man I love or can I be happy living in this country without the life I desire?

This has been a crazy and busy summer with little rest and a lot of stress. In one week, school starts and the rat race begins once again. I wish I could have a break. I wish I could spend a week in some peaceful hotel room somewhere by myself without the stress of knowing Danny is missing his therapy and that room and food is just adding to my debt. Can't someone just suspend time until my mind catches up on its sanity needs?

9-15-07 My Day- Hello, Goodbye- I want to walk you through my last day and a half, in order to summarize what is going on in my life right now. I came late to town today in order to go to AF's going away party. Yes- GOING AWAY. My best friend on Dominica, the girl who stuck by me through everything, who made me peanut butter and fluff sandwiches when I was down, who always knew what to do or say- is going home. When I first joined I never really imagined 1) I would extend 2) I would make it to the two year point. It is crazy to imagine that those PCVs who have gone through this journey with me (and yes it is the entire eight that swore-in along side of me) are done- going home- are joining the ranks of 'my other life'. I hate it! Back to my story. I went to the town and got a chance to hang out with a lot of the EC-76 PCVs. They have really changed in so many ways. They have matured and have grasped reality in a similar way I had in the first year. It was hard to be friends with them in the beginning, because like the tourists, they seemed too "American" (for a lack of a better word). Each at different stages, transitioned into becoming a Peace Corps and now I cannot imagine wanting any different group of people on this island to share my extension with.

I then went with AF to prepare for the party- cooking and dressing. We drove to the party and listened to local music and hung out with friends. One EC 77 PCV came along. Like every group who came before them, they think the current volunteers are turning a cold shoulder to them and thinking they are better than them. And like all the groups who have come before them, this thought will fade away and a year from now when EC 78 arrives, they will get it. I remember when EC 76 arrived I told EC 74 that now I understood why they did the things they did and said the things they said. Just a few weeks ago a bunch of EC 76 said the same exact words to me! Anyways, this girl is particularly cool. Not that I got to know her life story in a night, but with the little bit we did talk, I can tell she is going to be an amazing volunteer. I have reservations with the new group as a whole, but a very large majority of them are really great- especially when they are not all together. That is exactly what EC 74 said about us and we said about EC 76 when they first arrived. A constant circle

Back to the story. So we get home (AF's home) around 3:30am and I pass out knowing I must awake at 5:30am. Why? Danny has Diarrhea, it is Saturday (wash day), and the only one home at Dannys' is his Uncle who is just visiting for a week. So I actually rench myself from bed at 6am after 2.5 hours of toss and turning sleep and head down to begin to pray for busses. I get back to Castle Bruce by 11am, do all of the houses laundry, clean, take over cleaning up Dannys "issue", and pray that it stops in time for the birthday party I organized for him on Sunday. Danny's aunts arrive in the afternoon and I get a ride with a neighbor over to my place, bake cake for the party, write a few lines in this journal, fix my fan which a volunteer broke last week, and collapse into bed. I honestly do not even remember setting my head on the pillow!

9-16 Getting in the Grove. I have made the decision to make this last year of my Peace Corps experience as fruitful yet enjoyable as possible for my community and myself. For this reason, I will be closing down my ties to CCF, attending the schools more often, and not letting my large project be my only focus. Here is what I forsee my future work will consist of:

Primary School- Tutoring one on one with Learning Disabled children while working with their parents and teachers to facilitate a lasting change. Opening up the library and some programs to go along with it. I also hope to introduce Service-Learning to the teachers.

Secondary School- I will be co-teaching two classes of Learning Disability and slow learners along side a very enthusiastic and new teacher three days a week, working along side teachers who are implementing Service-Learning in their classrooms, seeing if anything will come out of the Learning Disability camp, and working with select classes and the Environmental Club to implement the Wind Blow Water Project.

CCF- I want to finish the organizational updates I am doing and do a presentation on Learning Disabilities to the Roving Care Givers. Then I want to politely stop. The goal is to have this done by December. If they ever do re-establish the certification course, then I will come back and start computers once again.

Village Council- I will still attend meetings and do small odds and ends, but I will mainly focus on the Wind Blow Water Project. Currently, the project is on hold. We sent out bids to revert the drain so that garbage and waste water no longer flow into the spring. This must happen before we do anything else. So far, no one has turned in a bid. No one wants the job I guess! We are looking for an outside contractor and will see how that goes. The goal is to have that done by December so that the students can start working on the projects next term. I am presenting to the teachers sometime in the next few weeks to see which select classes will be working along side of us.

On my own I will be applying for grad-school, studying for the GRE, and taking care of the man I love and respect. I have decided to apply for both Physical or Occupational Therapy and Special Education/ Social Work. I am going to be extremely busy and sometimes very overwhelmed, but I am so excited I have finally found my grove again!

11/10/07 Count Down- I realize that I have not been keeping this thing updated. I just never feel up to taking the time out of the few free minutes I have to write down the way I am feeling. So I think what I will try to do is just tell you about my days and maybe give you a bit of insight into my life right now. Yesterday, was a busy, productive, and positive day. One of the first in a long while. It turns out that my two main community partners for the main project I extended for have become unable to continue. One is suspected of stealing $73,000 EC from the local credit union and has since fled. The other has not been seen or heard from in over a month. His phone is disconnected and I know he is not on leave because he just got back from six months of vacation. The local government head is angry at me because she wants me to find $3,000 before November is out and I am telling her (in not such a direct and abrasive way) that it is not only not my job, but also not possible. Somehow, everything has gone from going smoothly to breaking apart in a matter of days. So I am just trying to keep my head high and find other ways to push Service-Learning and my other projects forward.

Anyways, yesterday I awoke at 4:30am to do Danny's therapy and get the two of us ready for the day. I had to be at the Secondary School at 8am in order to teach one of my literacy classes. The class went alright except that one of my students let his ugly racist side slip out once again. My temper is a bit short and it took everything in my power to hold myself back from slapping his ignorant head. Instead, I smiled and punished him by making him do extra work. After class I went to CCF and gave a presentation on note taking and short hand that went absolutely wonderfully. The Rovers are going to start a certification class and the leaders are trying to prepare them. They all agreed that if someone would have taught them these tricks they would have done a lot better on their CXCs. The CCF leaders were VERY happy with the presentation and thanked me even more than usual. I then went to the Primary School and tutored two of my five children. The one that is most mentally handicapped has surprised us all by really taking to my teaching methods and learning colors and his alphabet up to L. My other student I had a break through with when I realized he was behaving like a student with zero energy. Turns out his family only feeds him supper most days. The child is behind because he is hungry and cannot concentrate.

Throughout this morning I had interactions with my little child genius that made me want to scream at the cruelty of the world. This third grade student is reading at an eighth grade level. The first year I worked with him it took almost four months to break through to a point he would talk with me and another two months before he would give me a hug. He was living with his mother at the time and often came to schools with black eyes and bruised limbs. Over this last summer his mother moved away and left him to his grandmother. A women who needs more care than can care for another. He has gotten so skinny and his eyes sink into their sockets. There is no recourse here for these children, no social welfare, no child protection agency. When the principal saw him following me around she joked with me that I would need to adopt him. Honestly, I would do just about anything to be in a situation were I could.

After school let out for lunch I returned home. I have a new neighbor. She is in her early twenties with a four month year old baby. We have been spending a lot of time hanging out and giving each other a break from stressful situations. She brought me lunch- goat skin in broth with green fig. It was as good as goat skin can be! Then we did our usual yoga CD together. Around 2:30 another PCV showed up. We had made plans for this to be our little get away, and with no one left from my group of PCV friends on island, it was a great relief to find friendship at my door step once again. We watched a movie, talked A LOT, ate cookies, and fell asleep close to 11:30pm. The next morning we did our nails, toes, and faces while watching the Simpsons. It was a wonderful break.

The biggest news to share is that I am counting down until I take a vacation home. I cannot wait to see everyone and take some time for myself. I will miss Danny unbelievably, but it is needed. One appointment I have in the states is to see a lawyer about filing for a fiancé visa for Danny and I. We found a free service with the Catholic Charities of WI. This is going to take so much stress off of me knowing I have someone guiding us through the complicated and intricate system. Danny and I have so much to look forward to in our lives. I truly love him- LOVE him. Most times I cannot even put into words the feelings I have towards him. When I try I tear up.

Danny- so his improvements keep coming. He gets onto all fours now- a huge deal. He also can do squats and several other new exercises. We are beginning to have to concentrate more on coordination than on strengthening, especially with his arms. He can put his shirt on and off 90% of the way by himself. His voice still comes and goes, but seems to be getting stronger in general. His eye has also begun coming around and he can read easier. It is truly baby steps, but I am 100% confident that the worst is over.

11/11/07 Take for Granted. If there is one thing I have learned in the Peace Corps it is to never take things for granted. Sometimes I feel like in the US we often need a reminder of what these things are. Here is my top five list of things I hope to never take for granted again.

555) Snowflakes, cookies, Mexican food, Fall leaves, and the smell of home- the small things. We often forget the sensation we get when we see, feel, touch, hear something beautiful. Some people go through life not even noticing these things. But for people like me that love the way dry leaves crackle under your feet and staring out the window at lightning, then you are blessed. Taking notice of all of these little things and putting the happiness they bring you into a mental filing cabinet is the best way to not take them for granted. When you are so far away from home you really begin to understand the things you love. Sometimes something here will remind me of something at home and I can feel that swell in my stomach and the smile spread across my cheeks. It only takes a smell or a strong cool breeze to transport me to another time and place that is full of great memories and experiences. In that way you should also never take for granted your memories- instead sit quietly weekly and let the good ones flash and stretch through your mind. I promise you it will fill your heart with joy and make you smile or even laugh!- I remember the lights at Christmas, the smell of sawdust when my dad used to make me toys, Lake Shore Drive, having a meal with Amy, hot cider and apple picking, the last days of school, the feel of the old brown coach that used to sit in my family room, having a beer after work, pizza, road trips with Brandy, St. Louis, -okay now I am full of happy tears and lots of memories of the small things.

444444) The realization and pursuit of our talents. Think about your talents. Are they art, dance, singing? Is it computers, medicine, handling money? Or perhaps cooking, sports, or fixing things. I feel as if you can tell a person's wealth trough their ability to pursue their talents. God given or achieved through long hours of study or practice, they shape our self-confidence and the way people perceive us. Yet, there are so many people in this world who may not even know their talent because their only concern in life is getting to the next day. I feel women more so then men have to give these up. Women around the globe find themselves having to follow the life path that will assist the lives of those around them. Even I, am now finding myself in the situation were I must make a choice between pursuing my talent of teaching children and a career in something that will pay the bills for myself and my family. The luxury of following my heart and my talents is a childhood dream that if you have been able to achieve, you must be grateful for.  33333) The ability to move. Sometimes when I see Danny I still cannot get my mind to completely understand that he cannot go for a walk. I remember the first time I saw a person in a wheelchair. We were at a museum in Chicago and couldn't have been more than 7 or 8. The man was being pushed out of an elevator with a blanket thrown over what seemed to be two tiny legs. I stared in that way that children do when they are seeing something that overwhelms them. I felt instant guilt when I realized the man was staring right back at me. I quickly turned my head and felt my eyes begin to squeeze out droplets of moister. I swore to myself to never worry about it again, I would just never look at another sick person. In high school I watched the movie Forest Gump and the scene between that drunk soldier in the wheelchair and a whore made me wonder if I could ever be physically attracted to someone so disabled. Now that Danny is sick, I find myself catching children staring and I want to reach out and say "please do not be afraid, please bless these people with your eyes, a child's eyes are so precious. I also find my self becoming furious at the adults that do the same thing or assume Danny and I are not romantically inclined just because he is sick. With Danny I have learned not just to appreciate walking, but even just the simple movement of a finger or the wiggle of a toe. Sometimes when I am walking down my hill to work, I feel the ground moving under my feet and realize no one looks at me strangely and I think- thank you God for my ability to move. 

 222222) Good health. I never realized how fragile a human is until lately. I see people, including myself balancing a tight rope between life and death daily. Somehow I had held onto the naive belief that life was fair all of the way until Danny fell ill. I guess I always wanted to believe so badly that good people finished first that I saw others healing and happy even when they were not. The fact that a friend of mine died at 12 from cancer should have woken me up, but I concentrated so hard on the fact he was going to another place, I didn't even think about the grief of the family. Sometimes I feel our life is just a string of illnesses until one takes us out. As the human race we fight death and sickness with all of our faculties. Whenever I am sick all I do is pray for that moment when I survey my body and feel nothing. When we are sick we feel our pounding head, our nauseated stomach, our aching throat. But when we are healthy we dont feel our body at all. We need to wake up each morning and go to sleep each night feeling our body and thanking God or whatever you believe in for our, and our loved ones good health.

111111111) Having loved ones close. If there really is a purpose to life I believe it is to reach out and touch the lives of others and in turn have them shape who we are. Our family and TRUE friends are those that can shape our hearts by just being in the room. It is funny how much their heart beat means to our own existence. When one of them is next to you thank God for every lift of their chest, every heart beat. Since Danny first fell sick, I realized how much one must cherish these simple things. When Danny could give me nothing else, when he could interact with me in no other way, I had these two complex bodily processes to thank for the hope that lived in my heart. It is when a loved one is close you can truly celebrate their life.

11/12/07 Sickness. Last night I awoke at about 1:45 (I know this because about 15min after I awoke the Roosters started their first crows). My stomach was aching and I felt like I would certainly throw-up. This is the second time this has happened in a week. I spent the entire night rocking, sitting on the toilet, and reading Newsweeks. Finally, an hour before I was supposed to wake up (4:30) I fell back asleep curled into a tight ball. When my first alarm went off I laughed at it and turned it off. I awoke at 7am- two hours past normal and made the phone calls needed to tell people I would not be attending the Secondary School classes. I took my time getting cleaned up, had a few bites to eat (a mistake because it made me curl over in pain) and then headed to the health center to order medication for Danny and his Grandmother. It turns out that there is a stomach thing going around so I am not so worried. I then went to speak to my Village Council Chairwoman about a project proposal and then to CCF. At CCF I trained a new secretary on the entry system and signed up to do a presentation to the Rovers this Friday on test taking. I then returned home. I am still feeling ill and even the thought of food makes me nauseous. I will do some research for Friday's presentation and then go to my bed to lay down my head. I hope to be better by 1:30 so that I can tutor at the Primary School and pick-up a skirt I am having fixed by a seamstress. A very boring and ill day.

1/12/08 Fear. A lot has happened since the last time I went wrote. I went home for Christmas, Danny presented me with an engagement ring, I have been accepted to all of the schools I applied to, and we filled the fiancé visa papers with the Government. I do not have the time nor the energy to review all of these at the moment, but I will return to them at a later date. What I need to write about now is a common trend that has been popping up throughout all of these occasions. I am insanely excited for but horrendously afraid of what the future holds. I have made my decision that I want more than anything to return to the US and  study to be a teacher and then later a pediatric occupational therapist. I want to be near my friends and family and give Danny an opportunity to go to University and  live free once again. I want these things from every inch of my soul, heart, and mind. It aches inside me like it might explode. You know how you look forward to certain days because you know that they are going to be great. Like looking forward to Christmas or your birthday. That is the excitement I feel for this future.

Yet, the fear is keeping me awake at night and manifesting itself in horrific dreams once my eyes do close. The fear stems from knowing that Danny and my ideal future lays in the hands of only two words: accepted or denied. This processes of applying for his visa is not only tedious but also humiliating. Why must I prove to anyone that we are in-love. Why should I live in fear knowing that ONE person will decide if our dreams are to come true. This visa process is so much like Danny's recovery. Everyone tells me it should be fine, if you do the right things. But no one will tell me how long and the right things are not as easy to figure out on your own. So, I live in fear of the worst. That we will leave the Barbados office with all of our dreams and hopes dashed- I cry just thinking about it. I wonder if these people know how much those two little words that they stamp or sign onto those documents, accepted or denied, really mean. I am so scared.

2/7/08 Empathy, Memories. I need to fill in some glaring gaps in my journal. Spots where either the computer did not upload or I found no time to write. These are going to be memories of times Danny and I shared that I left out before for one reason or another, but that I will now add in order to fill in the memory book I am creating. I knew I had to write them out anyways, so I thought I would share them with you as well.

Before I start the first one though, I wanted to share a change in me I have noticed over the last year. It is a phenomenon that I am sure many people can relate to and which has opened my eyes a little further to the world. This change has occurred due to the experience of one of the highest forms of mental anguish and emotional pain. I believe that there are levels to emotional pain much in the way there is a scale of physical pain that doctors use to diagnose. I do not know if in the area of psychology they use such a scale, but here is what I have come to see. The lowest form is that quick and fleeting pain you feel when you see something bad happen to someone you do not know that you yourself have never experienced. Those of us not ice cold generally feel this pang stepping over a homeless person or talking someone through some tuff life experience we know little about. The next few levels escalate based on many factors: who it is happening to, is it something we can relate to, is it finalized, its scale, ect.

When Danny had the stroke I reached a 9 out of a scale of 10 on the emotional pain scale. It was a level I had never reached and I hope to never reach again. At this level, the pain manifests itself in ways you see in movies but don't quite understand until it happens to you. I can remember feeling as if I was floating over my body watching myself move silently through the days like a zombie or tearing at my hair and smashing my fists into my surroundings attempting to turn emotional pain into physical. Before this experience I was already quick to emotion. I remember crying hard painful tears when I was a small girl the day the US announced war against Iraq (the first time). My parents tell me I was a mess for hours after watching the original Little Mermaid (she dies for those of you who have not seen it). But now! Danny must think I took his emotional liability from him because I cry at everything! I played Martin Luther Kings I Have a Dream speech and began talking to Danny about how he was assassinated and had to stop to keep the leaking liquid from exiting my eyes. When I hear about Kenya I feel as if I could rip my hair out once again. I know it is not healthy to feel such overwhelming empathy when there is nothing you can do to change the situation at the time, but then again, if everyone in the world felt such empathy then there would be less to cry about.

Memory- Before we became: The day I met Danny was November 4th, 2005- National Day of Service. The day was sweltering hot. It was so hot that day that you could see the green plants and flowers wilt and turn slightly brown. Not a breeze in the air or cloud in the sky. Humans, dogs, and even the earth screamed for mercy from the sun. I was excited despite the heat. Today would be my first big youth project with my Village Council. I was in charge of about twenty youth from the Secondary School to pick-up litter that stained the beauty of the new blue school. This would also be my first day dealing with Caribbean time. We had been scheduled to start at 9 with supplies to be dropped off at 8:30. I arrived at 8:15, energetic and ready to go. At 9:15 someone actually joined me. At 10am I was still without supplies and surrounded by some bored and agitated youth. At the same time, Danny was leading a group of ten students to paint the front of the school.

He asked why we were all just sitting around. I explained the situation and he suggested that I borrow some gloves and cutlasses from the school. He led us back to the Agriculture room and dispersed gloves and cutlasses to each of my students and warned me not to damage or loose anything. He then said something that to this day I could not tell you what and slipped back into the storage room. I thought he said wait one minute, but he says he said nothing of the sort. Not wanting to be rude I waited in the room for about a minute until he emerged from the pesticide and fertilizer smelling closet. That is when it all began for me. Danny says he had his eye on me since I was introduced to the entire school on my first day, but this was the moment I realized that my quest to stay single for my Peace Corps experience was in great trouble. Why you ask. He stepped out of the closet without his shirt on and looked at me with his gorgeous smile. His arms were sculpted like those men in those statues from the Roman Era and his stomach was lean and soft- just perfect to lay your head on and nap. I felt my entire body tingle and my face flush beat red. I mumbled something about being sorry and I thought he told me to wait and then with my head held down briskly left the room. I could have handled all of this, but then as I turned the corner and looked back in his direction, I heard it- his signature, his uninhibited, beautiful laugh.

2/8/08 Memory- Asking Out: That day one of the students did loose a glove and so began an irritating and obnoxious fight. We saw each other  a few times in passing. Each time he would ask me were his glove was. It irritated me and I honestly began to loath coming across him. Finally, I decided to get back at him and bought a new pair of gloves and hand it to the principal. They are only $6EC and he was very embarrassed that I had gone through all the trouble and told the principal. Danny later informed me that he behaved in such an obnoxious way because, just like boys hit girls they like on the playground, he had a crush on me.

We did not see each other again until the following term. I had been bugging the Principle to start an environmental club at the school. I knew there was an interest and it was an area that I had a vast wealth of knowledge in due to my experience in City Year. Finally, after a few months, she said I should go see Mr. Rocque about the club because he was also interested. I do not know if she saw the look of dread and disappointment at the mention of his name, but I felt it. I met him outside his classroom and we spoke briefly and exchanged numbers. Slowly, the club evolved into one the most successful clubs at the school and we spent more and more time together. The morning of March 18th, my friend pulled me aside as I went for my morning jog. She told me she wanted me to attend a function she was holding at the Carib Model Village. She then added that I should ask Mr. Rocque to join me- that way I would have a ride. She followed this suggestion with the comment that he is "so smart". Her world famous architect met him and said that Danny was the smartest man he had met in Dominica. I told her I would think about it and we went on our ways.

I did the quickest background check I could by asking around about his reputation and any juicy tidbits I could find. I found plenty! None of which I believed or cared about. When my host mother and my best friend gave me an okay, it was decided. March 21st, 2006 was the day of the event and our Environmental Club meeting. I do not remember being nervous or how I convinced myself to say it, but minutes before the meeting was to start, I asked.

HE JUMPED! Yes like a little school girl or a puppy full of excitement. He leaped a good foot off the ground as his mouth spread into an impossibly wide smile. He lifted one finger and said, "Yes, I will be right back". He turned and dashed out the door trying to regain his composure. Later I would find out he ran and told his closest friend. We held the meeting like nothing happened. Afterwards, acting cool he strolled out of the classroom and walked me to our usual parting point. He began to walk away. "Pick me up at 6 okay", I yelled. He turned and replied with a manly, "okay". Though his back was now toward me, I could see that smile across his face and I could not control the one that was bursting through my own.

2/9/08 Improvements. I realize that I have not updated the website on Danny's improvements. Where do I start? His eye is moving much further, his handwriting has moved from a 3yr olds to about a third grade level, he doesn't choke on food anymore, he can stand up on his own from both the bed and the chair, his steps are straighter and take less effort, he can balance on all fours for over a minute, he washed himself entirely, he puts on his own pants, he takes off his shirt, and most importantly- he can move himself from the bed to the chair and back without even the slightest bit of assistance. His improvements seem to be coming more rapidly. I hope they continue to do so that he can be at his best when we go to the interview for the visa.

Memory- First Date. That night he picked me up ON TIME! He seemed extremely nervous. In a strange way, I was excited yet worried since I really didn't know what to expect or how to act in a culturally appropriate way. When I first saw him out of school clothing I was pleasantly surprised. He was very handsome in the dress shirts that he wore to work, but the plain black baggy t-shirt, that I would come to know as his trade mark, seemed to make him less good-guy handsome and more bad- boy rugged (which is more my type). We spoke very little on the way to the event, other than the usual small talk. We did give some of my students a ride home which calmed my nerves. Arriving early, we began to look around at the new tourist attraction. I suggested we go for a walk along the paths so that I could see the waterfall. Really, it was just a way to get him to feel more relaxed. We began to open up. At the end, we stopped at a look-out that gazed over the waterfall and ocean. I told him about my fear of open water. He made some comment about how it was nice to get to know the real me, not the work me. I laughed and we decided to return to the event.

Dinner was laid out in a buffet style. Danny took a plate for me and began to fill it with whatever I asked for- like a true gentleman he even found me two chairs- one to sit on and one to lay down my food. We ate and watched the Kalinago dancers. After a while they took a break and I suggested we go sit by the fence that overlooked the sea. It was just out of site of the traditional V-shaped overhead that the dancers performed under. We sat and talked about everything. Finally, I suggested we should return to the event. We took the four steps up to the flat and saw that we were the only ones left! Astonished, we headed to the car and struck out for Castle Bruce. I was swimming with emotion and every part of me did not want the night to end. The moon was near full that night and I knew the beach would be lit-up and beautiful. I usually do not trust men, no matter how charming, until I really get to know them, but I just felt like this was right- him, me, the moon glistening on the beach. We agreed to sit by the beach to finish our conversation. We sat and talked until my body felt as if it would dissolve into sleep. We had our first kiss that night on the beach- the first of many we would share on moon lit nights in that exact same place. If there is one thing I miss the most from our mobile days it is those stolen kisses with sand and salt water mixing between my toes and stars glistening over our heads. It was times on that beach that made our love feel like a movie, yet at the same moment feel so attached to reality.

2.14.08 What is Love? This morning on the local radio station they held a contest that asked for the definition of love. The winner would receive a free dinner with their loved one. The answers seemed usual: love is blind, love is never having to say you are sorry, love is pain, love is Jesus. It made me really think about the meaning of love. Many philosophers and theologians have contemplated this question, but none have completely satisfied my experiences. I believe there are four types of love that each have various levels. The four types are love between family, friendship, love of children, and romantic love. I

n romantic love, which seemed to be what most people think of when they hear the word, there are four levels- lust, emotional need, friendship, and finally, a state of commitment: In-love. Lust is obvious. Emotional need is that stage you feel butterflies in your stomach and feel the irrational need to be near the person as often as possible. It is at this stage we do REALLY stupid things and the saying that love hurts starts to take shape. Friendship is the stage where you really get to know the person and begin to respect them separately from the relationship. This is also where most relationships die. Your lust has lowered and the butterflies do not come around quite as often. You have settled into a routine with the person and become comfortable enough to truly be yourself around them. Relationships can go one of four ways at this point. Either you have realized that your partner is not "the one" and you eliminate the physical portion of your relationship from the friendship, you begin to fight and let the disappointment rip the two of you apart, or you just keep moving forward because you are too afraid or lazy to remove the person from your daily life.

Or, if you are truly lucky, you wake up one day and realize that butterflies and overwhelming sexual desire or not, this is the person you want to grow old with. There are no more surprises about who this person is. Being in-love is the biggest commitment a person can make, but it is also the easiest if the love is pure. You feel safe, understood, secure, loved, and certain. After all of my relationships (and I have been in a lot), there is one lesson that I have learned for sure- if you catch yourself asking, "is this the one", then either you have not made it yet to In-love, or you never will. More than likely, the later is true.

3.3.08 Work. Lately, my job has been small stuff. I am enjoying the lack of insanity and the ability to concentrate less on the big picture and more on individuals. Throughout my time here I have assisted with numerous large scale and successful projects. I feel satisfied with the work that I accomplished and can see that my time here did have an impact on my community. Some major changes have been seen in areas of education- the Secondary School uses both Special Education methods and Service-learning, teachers at both schools have changed some of their teaching methods, and a library has been opened for the community to utilize. I have also seen changes in youth development- youth groups have been established and are currently thriving within the community and school, Rovers have been trained on numerous topics, and several women currently provide their family with vegetables from their own gardens. The small changes have also taken place- CCF has an accurate and usable database, several groups and individuals have learned effective ways of interviewing and establishing development plans and grant proposals, and many have been introduced to computers and the internet. I could keep going, but wont. I had hoped to extend in order to finish the largest of the projects I had been working on, but the scandals occurred and  we are STILL waiting to hear back from the funders.

So instead of sitting on my ass waiting for the money, I have decided to be a bit selfish and do the work that makes the largest impact on me. I am working one on one with people to accomplish a lot of small goals. I am teaching two Secondary Special Education classes, tutoring four Primary School students, mentoring a Primary School student, teaching two Primary age students that do not attend the school for good reasons, assisting a youth to create and implement a business plan, working with a Preschool teacher to create a grant to upscale the Preschools in the Eastern District, advising a Secondary School teacher with a Sports grant, tutoring a cancer survivor (who has lost some memory from surgeries and therapy) on computers so she can continue at her job, and will soon hope to assist a stroke survivor and her family learn some techniques to assist her in gaining back motion. None of this stuff really looks impressive on any Peace Corps reporting, but all of it molds myself and makes a positive, and I would argue, sustaining change on my community. After all, a community is only as strong as its members.  

Memory- Our second date, the following night, was uneventful. I actually wondered if he would bother calling me back. I also began worrying about some other aspects to our relationship. We really seemed to hit it off which meant that this would not just be a casual relationship to pass my two years. We would end-up very emotionally bonded- that was a definite. But did I want to get so close to someone who probably had a very different take on the world, goals and ambitions and especially moral beliefs. I new my beliefs and morals often did not align with those around me. Even my best girlfriend at the time said things that were very difficult for me not to respond to. I really wasn't sure if he would call or if I wanted him to.

Sure enough, the next morning he called. He had a great idea what to do that night and I should be ready to go around 3pm. At 3:15 he arrived. This was to be a test I decided. I would ask all the tough questions tonight- that way, if we were not morally compatible I would be able to take him less seriously. His big plan turned out to be to drive to Grand Bay (two hours away) and meet his ENTIRE family! Obviously, he was getting serious, so it was time I did the same. I started with something easy- corporal punishment. He made it to first base with his answer that he detested the idea of hitting a child even though he admitted to having some anger management issues with adult men. Then I causally came in with racism by talking about Caribs. He hit to second base by telling me about some horrible things that blacks and Caribs do and say to each other and how horrible he thought it was. He talked about his Carib friends and how sometimes when he visited them his car would be vandalized. Then I went into women's rights. This landed him on third with his ideas on equality at home and in work. After that conversation, we had a long standing joke that he shouldn't do anything for me since that would be chauvinistic. He would open my door half way then say, "oh sorry" and close it! Of course, he would open it right back up! I figured he was on target and that he would probably throw me out of the car if I kept drilling him much longer.

We arrived in Grand Bay and he said hello to everyone he knew. We bought roasted plantains and went to visit his brothers, sisters, and father at their house. The smiles and welcome that they gave Danny made me realize what a family man he was. His brothers looked up at him as if he was the Prime Minister and his sisters swarmed him like bees on honey. It was awkward for me. I felt like I was invading someone else's world. No one would give me a second by Danny or seemed to not notice I was even present. Danny, seeing that I looked uncomfortable, took my hand and led me out saying his goodbyes. Thrilled that the family meeting was over for the night, I settled back into the car ready for the long ride home. We headed out and I can still remember looking over at him, staring into his face and making the realization that I was in trouble- he was truly a wonderful person. 

On the way home we stopped by his aunt's home and then visited the Friday midnight market. People from all over the country come into Roseau on Friday night and set-up their stands for the Saturday morning rush. It is the busiest day and the whole area is swarmed with people, vegetables, fruit, sugar cane juicers, blood pudding venders, freshly slaughtered animals, eggs, imported goods, and roasted plantains and breadfruit. I had been to the market many times, but not on Friday at midnight. The place was awake with commotion-  hucksters buying and selling produce from far away villages to sell on other islands, vendors purchasing the last incoming carrots and cabbage from small scale farmers, coconut water vendors chopping away at their jellies, and vehicles dropping off items and retreating from the insanity. The smell in the air is a mix of charcoal, sea water, and raw meat. Danny stopped and bought me a slice of watermelon. Somehow, in that atmosphere the watermelon tasted extra sweet. This is probably going to be something I will remember for the rest of my life. Danny eventually pulled me away from the market and we drove the rest of the way home. I was half asleep, but very aware that he had slipped his hand onto mine. It felt right, it felt like it had been there many times before. By the time we reached home I was asleep. He walked me into my bed and said goodnight. I dreamed that night of his warmth and I prayed that he would call the next day.

(04/13/08) Missing Home. Sorry it has been so long since I wrote. Everyone seems to have gotten wind that my time is coming to an end and is trying to get as much out of me as possible before I leave. Here are the projects I am working on: Primary School- tutoring and trying to train individuals to work with some of my more specialized students. I have also finished up a proposal for the Pre-schools to help upgrade the programs. CCF- I am helping an administrator learn the computer so she can continue on the work. Secondary School- I am still teaching. I will also be assisting in advancing a sports and culture program. Village Council- I am assisting them with reunion planning and Local Government Month activities. I am also assisting them in receiving funds for the Wind Blow project. Other- I am working with the Catholic Youth group again to sponsor two service camps over the summer. Finally, I am tutoring two children who have been taken out of school for safety reasons.

Knowing that things are winding down has really made me stop thinking about the things I miss about the good old US of A and start thinking of things I will and wont miss from Dominica. Here is a short list:

I will miss the colors of the surroundings... but I wont miss the roaches, mosquitoes, centipedes, and other insects.

I will miss the friendly good mornings and good nights ... but I wont miss everyone knowing every part of my business.

I will miss bakes, Shirley Cookies, green bananas and Red Bean Soup... I wont miss the meat and lack of variety of foods.

I will miss the slow pace in home life... I will not miss the slow pace in work life.

I will miss the clean fresh air and river bathes... I will not miss doing laundry my hand or drying on the line.

Mostly I will miss the people I have established relationships with... but I will not miss being so far from my best friends and my family (especially my mom).

4.14.08 Stomach- This morning I woke-up to great pains in my stomach. I believe that I have had more Pepto Bismuth in the Peace Corps than I have throughout the entire rest of my life. Usually, it does not slow me down, but this morning the pain was worse than normal. So I bathed Danny's upper body, then rested, bathed his lower body, then rested, emptied the water and sat him down, rested, put on his clothes, rested, put on his deodorant, rest- and so on until it was way to late to even think about getting to school. I feel bad, but the teacher never shows up on time and this is the first time I have taken off this term. I am still having stomach pain. This adds something else I wont miss onto my list- being sick constantly.

Memory- Finding Out we Match- After a week of dating and long talks on the beach, I had found out that Danny was not the man he often showed at school or out with friend. He was incredibly in-touch with his feminine side. His mind was open and eager to learn and expand his knowledge and he had great ambitions and an unquenchable drive to succeed in all areas of his life. We shared many similarities including a love of nature, spontaneity, and knowledge. The only question I still had was if he shared my passion for human rights and equality. Growing-up in Dominica and having never left besides to neighboring islands, Danny could not grasp many of the issue that I had campaigned for during my years in college. Still, he seemed to have an amazing grasp of world issues and moral sides that I would later learn came from watching BBC and reading as much as he could. It was not until our "coming out" date that I really learned how matched our beliefs really were.

Danny's friends were throwing a surprise birthday party for a girl that was Danny's good friend. He asked me if I wanted to come along with a seriousness I did not understand. Then I realized, this would be our official coming out as a couple to the community. The entire village would know before sun